You go to practice. You go to practice and wobble out onto the track. You wobble out onto the track wearing skates that are a size too big for you, a fact you won’t know until two years later when you buy new ones. You go to practice. You go to practice even though you can’t do T-stops, even though you can only skate 23 laps in five minutes, even though you have no idea what people mean when they talk about “getting a goat.” You go to practice even though you have no friends there. You shop for knee socks and go to practice.
You go to practice on a former ice-skating rink with an uneven floor in a dilapidated park district building. You go to practice in an abandoned store in a shopping mall. You go to practice in a skating rink with rain coming through the roof, with overflowing toilets, with fountains spewing toxic-tasting water and a cotton candy machine that produces a sickening smell on the weekends. You go to practice and do pace lines and pack drills and hitting exercises. You go to practice and work on endurance and communication, and you try to master the basic skills. You go to practice and wonder if you’re getting sick or are just out of shape. Still. You go to practice and pass your 25 in 5.
You go to practice and fall on your tailbone while scrimmaging. You go to practice and fall, shaving the skin off where your thigh connects to the floor. You go to practice and shave the skin off in the exact same spot on the other thigh. You go practice because for some reason you feel like you should go to practice, even though you mostly suck and are afraid you will have to jam. You are not sure you even like this roller derby thing. You go to practice and picture yourself coming out of practice on a stretcher. You wonder who on your league can drive stick shift to get your car home.
You go to practice at a hockey rink off a terribly trafficked highway exit with a delicious floor and air conditioning. You know your skates suck now but you keep going to practice. More things are starting to make sense. You go to practice and see someone break an ankle, the first of several ankle breaks you will witness over the coming years. The ambulance drives off and you keep practicing.
This is a word cloud representing my Facebook posts. Notice the largest words.
One day you go to practice and get a concussion. You miss a few practices, which helps you realize you might enjoy practice more than you thought you did. That it might be something sort of essential about your life now. You go to practice and start to feel a little more comfortable when someone hands you the jammer panty. At least it doesn’t fill you with dread. It might even be fun sometimes.
You finally get new skates and they hurt so much you want to cry at practice. You get cramps so bad you have to stop skating and physically bend your feet out of a claw position. Maybe you do cry. You wonder if you will ever be even sort of good at derby again. You go to practice. You bout. You go to practice. You bout. You go to meetings. You go to practice.
During your third year, your league gives you an award at the end-of-season party, which shocks and humbles you. You put the award in a frame and go to practice. The days in which you imagine leaving practice on a stretcher have become few and far between.
You go to practice because your friends will be there. You go because you never know if something might click that time. You might do something good. You go because there might be beers afterward. You go because it speeds the workweek along to the weekend. You go to practice to prepare for a bout. You go after a bout, too, to work on the deficiencies that made you lose or maybe to try to capture those things that helped you win, to grab onto them before they slip away. You are dog-tired, but you go to practice.
When your boyfriend dumps you, you go to practice. You go to practice even though you might cry at practice. Then you go to practice because it’s the only place you don’t cry. It seems possible that you can sweat out the bad thing inside you. You skate like the world is ending.
You go to practice even when you don’t want to go to practice. Derby has taken over your life and you wonder if there will ever be a time where you don’t have to go to practice. And sometimes you don’t go. Sometimes you want to stop the feeling of being caught in an endless roundelay of practice, practice, practice. So you just tell yourself: fuck it. You work late. You go to the bar. You lay around your apartment in your underwear, reading magazines and watching serial dramas on your laptop. You go back to practice.
You go to practice because there’s no one waiting for you at home. Or maybe you go to practice because someone is waiting for you at home. You go to practice because what the hell did you do with all your free time before you went to practice? You go to practice because you feel like hitting someone. You go to practice because you feel like being hit. No one asked you to do anything else so you go. Someone asked you to do something you’d rather do, but still you go to practice. You go to practice because you’re hungry to practice. You go to practice because you’re never going to be any younger than you are right now. Because your body isn’t broken yet or because it isn’t broken anymore. You go because it’s hard to imagine life before there was going to practice. You go to practice because you want to feel like you’re flying. Over and over again.
You go to practice, you go to practice. Because that’s what you do.
Great blog to read ahead of my first NRG practice tonight – well written (as always)!
Thanks so much, Peyton! Best of luck to you!
This is my favorite! Made me cry to think of what is ending. I love how you capture the essence of derby life.
Awww, thanks, Spleana! We started at the same time so these are your years, too!
Did not realize it was a Jammer panty; figured it was a cap! BTW, go to practice!
I’m going tonight! 😉
I came across this at a good time, as I am still fresh meat and transferring to a new league. Finding my desire to skate has been a challenge lately and reading this made me think about the road to progress. Thank you 🙂
When all else fails, just go to practice. I promise you can push through this phase of not wanting to go and the results of your persistence will be worth it! Good luck!
This reminds of the mantra that I adopted this spring, after a rough winter and 2 months missed practices :
When in Doubt…. Skate it out.
Thanks for the validation, girl!
Carrie, I totally say “skate it out” to myself. The “When in doubt” makes it sound even better! 🙂
This. Is. Amazing!!!
Made me tear up.
Thank you!!!
Derby Love,
Harley
Aww, thanks so much for the love, Harley. There were definitely some tears that went into it on my end. Skate on!
I got goosebumps reading this. All I can say is YES!!!…THIS!!!!!
Honestly, I had no idea so many would relate! Thanks so much for reading, Jill.
VERY inspiring and beautifully written! In the most basic of terms but with incredibly feeling and honesty. Thank you for sharing this.
I really appreciate your kind words, Julia. It was good to share, and also a really nice bonus that so many seem to relate.
This is great. I have 9 years of this derby thing and even as a coach, it is still the truth.
Nine years — awesome! And, as a coach, I’m guessing you are still … going to practice. 😉 Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment.
I’m just crying now, I never thought something will take over my life this way, and how bored I was before derby. Thanks for writing this down.
Thanks for reading, Daria! I think sometimes derby fills spaces in our lives that we didn’t know we had. Hope you’re finding it as fulfilling as I do!
It makes me wish that there was a roller derby for seniors – I mean SENIOR SENIORS – yeah – 84 year old seniors. But I will have to content myself with getting the feedback from my daughter. She is just a “kid” in her 50’s and she
has experienced the big butt bruise, the too big shoes, the tee stops and the laps around the “rink”, the new skates with shoes that fit and need breaking in, and it all gives her a warm, happy glow, and she loves it and all the new friends that she
has met – and, yes, she goes to practice, and goes to practice, and goes to practice, and goes . . . . . . .
This is why I love that my team has on-going fresh meat practices that any one of any age can try to skate at.
You should try going to practice, Patricia. Maybe they have an area on the outside of the track that you can skate around in.
Thanks for reading, Patricia! We don’t have an upper age limit – 18 or above! But glad to hear your daughter is enjoying herself with derby, and I hope you find an outlet via skating or otherwise, too.
This. Exactly this. This is how I feel everyday and why I have over 50 practices attended in the last 90 days.
Fifty practices in 90 days is impressive! I have no doubt you are reaching your derby goals at that pace.
So heartwarming to read this and know that I’m not alone in feeling this way!! Well written, I could not have said it better myself. Derby <3
Thanks for your kind words. You are definitely not alone! Derby <3 back to you!
You go to practice and pass your 25 in five minutes.. and WFTDA changes the minimum skills to 27 in five.. 🙂 great article!
Thanks, @darkjester. Yeah, fortunately I got up to that 27 in five, too. I’m shooting for 35 this year. It’s a bit of a pie in the sky, but….
You’ll make it!!!
Thanks for your encouragement! I got 33 this year, which was a surprise. I’m hopeful.
LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE THIS ARTICLE!!!! I reposted on our RollerDerbyNerd Facebook. I will definitly be keeping an eye for more of your amazing articles to share. 🙂
-Bonita Reckless, RDN
Hey, thanks, Bonita! I definitely consider myself a roller derby nerd!
This touched me in a beautiful way. I needed this today.
Glad and humbled to hear that my words could have found you at the right time! Best of luck, Hannah.
Love this. Glad I found your blog.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Scarlet! Glad you found me, too. 🙂
A writer’s sensibility and the heart of a jammer.
Thanks for reading, Jeff! Trying not to lose the writer’s sensibility amidst all the hipchecks, etc.
Truth! Derby therapy! I need derby in my life, can’t imagine life with out it!
xo- Xiola
Totally agree, Xiola. I actually wrote another post about how derby serves a therapeutic function in my life: http://callthejam.com/2013/01/a-paean-to-practice/. Hope you enjoy!
What an amazing post. This is so true.
Thanks, Toxic!
Wow. These are the perfect words to describe where I’ve been so far and inspiring for where I hope to be. Whenever I get discouraged, I’ll read this again so I remember that it is a process. I will never be a Bonnie Thunder, but I’ll keep practicing to see what I will be. This post should be required reading for anyone, friends or family, who cares to understand but simply doesn’t “get” derby.
Most of us will never be Bonnie Thunders, but we can have a ton of fun trying to be! 😉
WOW! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I’ve had a persistant ankle injury since late last year and I’m getting really frustrated. It took me 3 goes at passing the first part of Freshmeat (white level) and I was just getting into the ‘Intro to Contact’ part (pink level) when it happened and now that I’m back on skates, I feel that I have gone back to the very beginning and that I’m not improving at all.
But we have our new lot of Pinkie skaters starting tonight and I’m really looking forward to meeting them all, but there is that niggling feeling in the back of my head saying “they are going to be so much better than me and I’m going to fail pink level once again”
I have to tell myself that it just takes practice. I finally did transitions and jumps for the first time since injury – baby steps!
If you don’t mind, I might take this post along and read it out to the new girls (and boys) as a bit of inspiration for them on their new journey 🙂
Derby Love,
Dready
Hey, Dready, feel free to share it with anyone who might find it useful on their derby journey. Don’t get down on yourself or get bogged down in comparing yourself to others. Just keep going to practice and pursuing your goals and most of all: have fun!
As a fresh meat male who can barely skate to save his life (but can somehow manage a T-Stop), this is epicly inspiring. 🙂 x
sMACk Daddy, see, you already have one up on me months after I started skating with your T-stops! Just keep going to practice and doing the shit that scares you and, little by little, the repetition will bring results. You’ve got at least one derby girl rooting for you!
nice. truth. love it.
Im an NSO learning to skate and this is the truth. New skates and a week childfree means LOTS of training and outdoor skating.
I love Derby.
Derby sure has a way of capturing our hearts, doesn’t it?
Thanks, I needed this today! Actually dreamed of being carried off on a stretcher last night and am at 24 in 5 (sigh). But I’m getting better every practice and, 5 months in, can’t imagine NOT being in Derby!
24 in 5 is getting closer! I bet that’s more than when you started. I promise if you keep at it, things we’ll get easier. Your endurance will improve, your crossovers will get more effective, you’ll be less afraid to pass people, you’ll run the track more efficiently. The result? You’ll pass 27 and proceed to kicking more ass!
I have so far completed week one of Fresh Meat. Never mind 23 laps in 5, I think I did 4 laps in one hour, wobbling and stopping and full of terror.
But there was a moment where the skating felt natural and good for about 30 seconds, that made it worth it.
There was a moment where I fell correctly and nothing hurt, and that made it worth it.
My stance got called beautiful, and that made it worth it.
No-one told me I was too slow or too unfit or too wobbly. They just said “keep going, you’ll get it.”
So I’m going back next Friday.
Keep going back! Skating felt natural for 30 seconds this time? Next time it might be a minute. Then five minutes. You can only improve if you keep practicing. Wishing you the best of luck!
I’m still at the – 23 in 5, hope I never have to jam – stage. I have so much to look forward to, so much to learn (like what the hell getting a goat means !?)
Thanks for this. Derby is changing my life
Hanlie, you are soooo right: you have so much to look forward to! Best of luck!
Pretty sure the writer was living in my head when it was written 😉 I love it!
Hah, I had no idea I was in someone else’s head, but that’s cool! 😉
I wasn’t going to go to practice tonight. You have captured exactly what I feel, which means that is exactly what everyone else feels. I’m going to practice tonight.
This. is. awesome. Thanks! Hope it was a good one. 🙂
Love it!
😀 Thanks!
There is so much truth in this it’s amazing!!
As I am struggling to get my mins passed its nice to read how other overcame it.
Thank you
Brawl xx
Brawl, I totally believe you are going to pass your minimum skills. Seriously, just keep at it. It takes time. Just keep practicing and the skills will come! Thanks for reading.
I never thought someone could so accurately describe the personal roller derby journey.
Leann, thanks so much for reading!
This is great, Vivi. Thanks especially for the POV of a vet navigating practice after many years of derby. You’ve captured it perfectly in all of its frustration and glory and desperation and comfort and pain. Yup yup yup. Good stuff here, and thanks. xox Dubs
Hey, Dubs, it really is pretty much every emotion all rolled up into one, isn’t it? Thanks for taking the time to read and share your thoughts!
Thank you for putting into words what goes through my head every day. Absolutely perfect. Derby saves. You must be an awesome teammate, Vivi!
Aww, that’s really sweet! It’s been a process to learn how to be a good teammate, but I definitely try. Spread the love on your own team and thanks for reading!
You put into words how so many people feel about derby. How its sweetness has taken over our lives. Perfection. Stay after that 35 in 5, you got it!
This was beautiful, and I need a poster of this for my wall, so I can look at it every day.
🙂 Awww, I’m blushing!
Hi! I hope you don’t mind but I linked to this blog post in my latest blog post. You have so eloquently written everything I have felt going through my fresh meat cycle this last 12 weeks.
You have managed to condense into one post the things I have been wittering on about for the last 22 posts and 80 odd days.
Thank you. With posts like yours I don’t feel so alone 😀
xxxxxx
You’re definitely not alone, Kate! Stick with it and good things will happen for you.
Yep, totally teared up. Thank you for putting down in words my derby story; the story of so many of my derby family xxx
Thanks so much! Really gratified that so many can relate.
I have been on LOA since June due to all things in life exploding at once. After 3.5 years with the league, it has felt good NOT to go to practice…for a bit. Unfortunately, after reading this, I very much remember how much I loved and lived for practice and derby in general. Our league is off in August. :/ I may very well have to find another league where I can go to practice before they return in September. Thank you for this. It was a great read. 🙂
It definitely sometimes feels good not to practice. But that urge seems to always come back again…. Thanks for reading and good luck!
Omg I loved this article! I think I have experienced every emotion, every scenario mentioned! I am one month away of finishing my first year and have had so many bruises, broke a finger. At 41 and just entering derby I doubted my desire then I couldn’t stand not being off skates for those 2 months and can’t imagine life without derby!
Isn’t it hard to imagine life before derby?! Thanks for reading!
Hi Vivi,
I just discovered your site through a friend on Facebook and have literally read through every post. I think it’s fantastic – so well-written and totally captures the essence that is this ridiculous sport 🙂
I just started training five months ago, have recently started scrimmaging and am yet to bout, and so could really identify with this post.
You’re brilliant! Keep writing!
Erin.
Really, Erin, I’m so very flattered by your kind words. Glad that you connect with my writing. I wish you the best of luck on your first bout (which hopefully will be coming up soon!) and all your other derby endeavors. xo
Loved it. I started my derby journey 8 weeks ago, this is very inspiring 🙂 Thank you
Hope you stick with it, Jen! It can be incredibly rewarding. Good luck, and thanks for reading!
A new teammate of mine posted this on her facebook page and I have to say this is a wonderful read that I believe many of us can and will relate to. I’ll be reposting this on my personal and team pages, if that’s cool with you.
After my eleventy billionth injury, albeit minor, I’ve been cleared to return to skating finally. Starting my tenth season a bit more worn than the season before and that’s just fine by me. Couldn’t have stumbled upon this at a better time. I cannot wait for Sunday. I cannot wait to go to practice.
Hey, Val, I just discovered this comment among a deluge of spam and approved it! So touched that you wrote this — you were one of the first people I met in derby when I was writing a story on it for grad school in 2006. I interviewed you over lunch at Hot Doug’s. Glad to hear my writing could inspire you in any way. I hope that your return to practice has been amazing!
This. This. This. This. This. If I could get this whole post tattooed on my body somewhere I would.
Heya, just wanted to say that I really love this article and your writing on the rest of this blog to,o it really resonates with me. I can definitely relate to having to build up my mental strength and having to toughen up as well as the way derby very gradually takes over your life.
It’s also kinda comforting reading your posts about achieving a derby/life balance and dealing with heartbreak at the same time – ever since the dissolution of my relationship earlier this year I kind of went through the same thing of going to practice even though I was numb and throwing myself into it. Now I’m at the point where I’m trying to expand my life outside of derby as I get really worried that if I get injured or something I’m going to be so bored and the rest of my life will feel empty or something even though I have friends and a lot of good people in my life.
So yeah, kind of an essay but I really love your writing and it’s nice to read about someone going through a similar situation and coming out of it stronger 🙂
Thanks for reading! I’m glad you can relate to what I’m writing — that’s my greatest hope in putting these posts out there. I have the same fears about getting injured, but I think the solution is to live the rest of your life like you live derby, which is hopefully to its fullest potential. If you take derby out of the equation (for an injury or otherwise), things should still be awesome. Wishing you the best of luck with all your endeavors!
I think this is one of my favourite posts ever 🙂 Definitely makes me feel all funny inside. I can relate to it so much.
Awww, thanks so much, Siggy! Glad you can relate. I was surprised at how many people reacted to this post because it’s very specific, but I suppose the specificity generated a sort of universal quality.
” You wobble out onto the track wearing skates that are a size too big for you, a fact you won’t know until two years later when you buy new ones. “
BAHAHAHA!!! Ain’t THAT the truth!! lol!! When I got my Reidells, I thought they were too small, but it turned out that my Sure Grip Boxer skates were a whole size too big! No wonder I wore 2 pairs of socks when I skated for the entire first year!
Right?! I cannot count the number of girls I know who sized down when they finally updated their skates because their starter pairs were too big! It definitely took a bit for me to get used to skates that actually fit me, but now I feel more like they’re extensions of my feet. Feel bad for all the girls still struggling with their rookie set-up….
This was an excellent article. thank you for putting down in words my feelings!
Thanks for reading! Glad I could capture something about how we all feel. 🙂
As a volunteer that only has to witness everyone of these situations arise but also gets to see every one of these obstacles conquered, let me just say…. You ladies inspire the heck outta me!!!
Hey, Jerry! Thanks for reading. Honestly, the support of our NSOs and volunteers inspires ME! I mean, I look around and think: all these people who came out to donate their valuable time to this endeavor allows me to play roller derby! I know it’s satisfying and fun for you guys, too, but I’m truly grateful.
I first read this a while ago, and I re-read it periodically. I’ve read a lot of essays and articles that attempt to describe Derby, but this is absolutely the best one I’ve ever read.
Generally, I’m not one for re-reading anything, but I’ve read this so many times, and like a lot of other commenters, I get kind of choked up every time I read it.
One of the many things I love about this essay is that every time I read it, I find that I’m a little farther along in the described progression, and every step is spot-on.
I shared it on my league’s Facebook page today, and it was very well received, by newbies and vets alike.
So thank you, because every time I’m feeling unmotivated, I say to myself, “You go to practice,” and I go, and I’m glad I did.
NucLeah, thanks so much for reading and for re-reading! I’m glad to hear that I’ve captured something that skaters can relate to, that somehow captures the essence of what so many of us are experiencing around the world as part of this roller derby movement. Really, I’m floored by the praise here, and thanks for sharing among your derby community. <3
After a year that started out amazing (made the A team, did a bootcamp by Scald Eagle) and turned into a very shitty one (concussion, ankle in a cast, hand in a cast, depression, and more!) I just had our National Champs this weekend. Our team got third place.
I have this post bookmarked. I reread it tonight for the umpteenth time and it made me cry – again. Because this is the truth. All of this.
I am sure I will reread this (and cry) again, sooner or later. Thanks so much for writing this, Vivi <3
Congratulations on getting third place and overcoming injury and depression. I’m so glad that reading my post can be any kind of inspiration to you. Just reading your comments lifts me up! Wishing you the best as you move forward in roller derby and in life! xo