I thought it did. For a minute. Actually, it was much longer than a minute. A couple of years, really. A good stretch of time, and it didn’t start the minute I strapped on a pair of skates. Unlike many of my peers, I came around to derby slowly and didn’t experience some kind of immediate, amazing life transformation like others seemed to. But, over time, roller derby did have a huge positive impact, which I’ve taken pains to document here.
But it did not fix everything.
These past few months I’ve needed all the advice I’ve published on Call the Jam — go to practice, get out of your derby rut, let go and have fun, stop criticizing yourself and on and on. I hit a wall with derby early in the season.
I had bouts where I didn’t even feel like I was there, like I was outside my body watching this mediocre, uninspired skater get beat up without really trying to fight back. I phoned in more practices than I can count in the previous four years total.
I consider the low point a recent practice when I just felt shitty, mentally and physically. I was exhausted and hurting. I turned to a teammate and began to try to explain. And somewhere a sentence or two in, it occurred to me: “She doesn’t want to hear it.” I didn’t even want to hear it really. I looked around the warehouse at all the people skating around and thought: “No one cares.” I mean, on some level they care, don’t get me wrong. But my lame attempts at generalized communication of this vague, nearly inarticulable state of ennui, melancholy, whatever it is, they don’t really care. My mind looped out to the city outside, this adopted home of mine for the past five years, and I thought: “No one cares.” It looped further and further and the same thought kept echoing back.
Perhaps it sounds melodramatic, but I felt more alone than I had in a long, lonely stretch of time. I wanted to take off my gear and walk out. Get in my car. Drive to the ocean. I wanted to be somewhere I could feel small in a good way instead of the ugly, scabby, petty, rotten way I was feeling it. Had been feeling it for months.
But I kept skating.
Sometimes you skate and you don’t know why anymore. The meaning of it all floats just outside your grasp. You feel it in the atmosphere, somewhere above the warehouse where you skate, outside the door of the bout venue in some shitty Midwestern town. You try to remember who you were before this whole derby thing began. You were a person who liked books. And politics. And records. And thrift store shopping. And playing Scrabble at bars. And going to punk shows. That girl is still in there, and she’s made room for the derby girl, the aspiring jock who likes to do boot camp and run up stairs in her free time. It feels crowded in there sometimes, confusing.
I haven’t written here much all season because I don’t know how to write about this. The practice, the games, the experiences don’t feel like metaphors for something else all of sudden. They feel like markers in the passage of time. Rituals with meanings you have temporarily forgotten.
Every time I write something down and share it here, it’s like I’m ripping open a piece of myself and shining a light in there. It’s a difficult thing to do when you’re exhausted. Honestly, it’s a difficult thing to do on a good day. Each time I’ve started something with the intention of posting it here in the past few months, it looked trite and trivial on the page. I don’t want to waste your time with that.
Hopefully I’ve managed to say something here. It’s maybe not the inspiring, pithy Buzzfeed-type list you can share with all your derby friends and they’ll say: “This is just what I needed today!” But hopefully there are some honest emotions that someone can relate to. For me, I hope it helps me to get back in my writing and derby groove.
Skate on, my friends, let us all skate on.
Yes.
Thanks, Shock! 🙂
I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way. It’s a sad, weird feeling. All of last season, and for part of the season before, I felt like I no longer really had much purpose in roller derby (other than coaching the guys, and after awhile, even that started to fade). I ignored it for a long time, then I kind of coasted through last season. After last season, I tucked my skates away for awhile, cross trained a bit, and when the season started, I felt different. And I think I played different. Roller derby was different. I think that instead of having a purpose in roller derby and letting go of that, I found the purpose that roller derby had in my life. I make minimum attendance now. I do other non-derby things. I spend [a bit] more time with my non-derby friends. I’m still finding the right balance, but a change of pace has really helped me, and I’ve allowed other things in my life to still have their purpose.
You are a really good jammer. You are also a really good blocker, but you don’t do it much. Have you thought about trying to do more of that?
Let go and have fun tonight.
Thanks, Beattie. You are my big derby sister, always and forever. You have a great perspective — I have been doing some of that, reducing my attendance and pursuing other passions and pleasures outside of derby. Making a conscious point of it, in fact. Still working through all of it. I have thought about your point on blocking, but it didn’t seem possible this season. Anyhow, I appreciate your kind words and suggestions.
I know this feeling all too well. Thank you for putting it into the perfect words. Maybe life doesn’t have to revolve around derby… maybe derby can start to revolve around life for once?
We all go through our own journey and although we often experience the same emotions, we go through them at different times. When we aren’t right in the middle of our current feeling it is hard to empathize with another player with the (current) opposite mindset.
Thank you for sharing. 🙂
Thanks for reading and for your kind words. Really, it means a lot. I think I had a hole (or two) in my life and I willingly let derby fill it. Working on finding that right balance….
I can’t speak to derby, really, but I’m a believer that there’s not one thing that can save anything. It’s all big collective, and you need to draw on what works at different times. Like your derby circle, the good stuff comes back if you let it. Just make sure you keep pushing past the obstacles. You’ll win more than you’ll lose.
Thanks, Cheryl. I agree that one thing can’t save anything — I never really believed that. But roller derby has picked me up a lot over the years and I think I had come to expect that would last forever. I am pushing, ever pushing.
As someone whom has had the pleasure of looking up to you and learning from you on my own rise up the derby ladder, I think we’ve all suffered this from time to time. I know I personally have while going thru some very rough turmoil in my life a couple years back and it made me really doubt things derby related. I can also say as someone whom skates with you weekly, your absence has been noticed as well as your demeanor on the track and that’s okay. You have a wonderful support group of dudes and ladies that always have an ear for you or possibly some guidance to make it thru it. We’ve all heard the derby has saved my soul cliche time and time again. My soul was fine before derby and still is probably much like yours. I love derby for the sport, the teamwork and the brotherhood/sisterhood it has introduced into my life. I hope you’re able to take a step back and evaluate things and do what’s best for Vivi. Some probably “need” derby in their lives, but do it because you love it, never for the obligation of it.
Thanks, Hawt Rod. It’s really touching to hear all your kind words. I can’t say how much it means to me, the sister- and brotherhood I’ve found through our derby community. It’s really just a thing I’ve been going through personally, and I have been struggling, but it does help to know that y’all have my back. I agree: we do it because we love it. Striving to find that romance again. Thanks so much for reading, and for always being a kind and friendly face on the track.
i’ve found that derby helps in some areas, but it isnt the magic pill that we all long for. for me, i’ve found writing to be cathartic, i used to do the public / restricted posting to Livejournal, i’ve moved onto private postings to let me spew forth somewhere.
you’re right about friends / close friends sometimes not wanting to hear it. i have a good friend who i know is jealous/envious/angry at my derby involvement. i also know she’ll be a good friend no matter what. support systems are varied, derby is one of many.
Yeah, we definitely have to be realistic about what derby can and cannot provide for us. Derby has helped me through a lot, and it was tough to discover it hasn’t been the refuge the past few months it has in the past. Thanks so much for reading and best with your derby journey!
Oh, man, thanks for articulating this. It really is “just what I needed today.”
Awww, Pistol, I’m glad to hear I could help you through a day. Best wishes for whatever you’re going through!
I just walked away from my team after 8 years for a lot of these reasons. The first game I chose to miss was the first game I had ever missed with my team. I was an original member, on the board, all-star and I still couldnt make myself do it anymore. When the stress is overwelming and you realize no one cares its really hard to make all the sacrifices and pain worth it. Its probably not what you are expecting but I did need to read this today. Its nice to know I am not the only one.
In some ways I’m glad that others can relate, though it breaks my heart at the same time. It sounds like you had 8 rich years, even if stress took over. I hope you’re finding happiness and balance now, and that you can still remember the good times from your derby career looking back. Best wishes to you!
This. All of this.
Thank you.
Thank you for reading!
This was how I felt right before I stopped skating. Despite being CRAZY involved with my league I felt like I was on the outside looking in. I had a peek at what I’d given up for my single-minded affair with derby and needed to find some balance. Fortunately, I found my way to announcing the next year and that feeling has gone away, partly due to the reduced time commitment (or at least, the different ways in which my time is committed). Good luck to you!
Thanks so much for reading, Helen. That’s awesome that you’ve found a good next step for yourself with announcing. Sometimes we just need to evolve with what we’re doing. Best of luck to you!
Roller derby saved my soul for a few years. But, in the end, it left me broken and betrayed. I was treated so poorly by the people I once called “sisters”. I left derby 3 years ago and don’t miss it….ever. It’s sad for me that I gave so much of my life to something and have nothing to show for it.
It is very refreshing to read a post that doesn’t scream how wonderful derby is. It’s changed a lot and it’s okay to not like what its changed in to. It’s okay to not love it and it’s okay to leave it (if that’s what’s right for you).
Find YOUR happiness, with or without derby!
Thanks so much for reading. I’m so sorry to hear that you wound up not having such a great experience with derby. I have to say, despite my struggles, it’s been a largely positive experience in my life. It makes me sad when others don’t have that. I sincerely hope you’ve been able to find your happiness now. Best of wishes to you.
You are not alone, hang in there, the balance will come….eventually.
Thanks, Kraken. It definitely means a lot to hear that I’m not the only one who grapples with these issues.
oh man, this take me way back to the summer of 2008. seriously, if i wasn’t so depressed and unfocused back then i probably could have written every word of this. for me i think part of it was because i became so caught up in the politics of running the league and became so burnt out from it that it just wasn’t enjoyable anymore. as much as i loved to skate, most days i just didn’t care because i knew that as soon as i walked in the door someone was going to want to talk about something “business” related. once i found myself wanting to do other things instead of skate, that was when i knew it was time for me to let go.
there are days when i wish i hadn’t completely quit, but looking back on where i was physically and mentally at that point, i know it was for the best. i do miss it though.
Sister, I can so relate to that! I was on the Board for three years, including one year as president. It gets to be … a lot. I’m actually surprised that I feel so burnt out after just becoming a “regular skater” this year. You just never know. Hope you’re doing well and can still look back on your derby time fondly.
Yep. Exactly.
Thanks for reading, Scargyle! Best to you with whatever you’re going through.
Thank you for this, for it speaks to me on so many levels. Just knowing that I am not alone with these feelings, I can already feel an internal shift. Getting this together and spitting it out may have been difficult, but know that it made a positive impact for at least one person. I no longer feel guilty for being overwhelmed and confused, but motivated to restructure and regain my happiness. A million times thank you.
Awww, thanks so much, Crafty! I’m so glad that my words could help you feel better about your situation. I sincerely hope you find your balance and happiness moving forward. Offering my cheerleading and support in your endeavors from afar.
I have felt this way for a while. Knowing someone else feels just as confused/frustrated/disenchanted as I do makes me feel sane. I have been been trying to remind myself of why I started this in the first place. How I loved the strong the spirit of ‘weird’ when I started, and how inspiring and refreshing it was to see a group of people who weren’t afraid to be themselves. I keep those reasons close to heart, and then I make damn sure derby doesn’t consume the rest of me. I own me. The music and art loving, spontaneous, fun, and kind part of me doesn’t belong to anyone or anything. Not even derby. Don’t compromise yourself. Not for your team. Not for anything.
I really appreciate your taking the time to comment here, Rumbledore. It’s easy to let derby become this all-consuming thing, isn’t it? I hope you can find balance with your derby self and your music and art loving self. Know that you have a sister here fighting the same battle.
Vivi, thanks for writing this article and being courageous enough to share your deep truth. It is hard to be truthful when it feels like what is being spoken is something others may not want to hear.
May this sharing and clearing allow room for you to hear your hearts longings and follow its passions. May your soul be called home and fill you gently and completely at exactly the most perfect moment.
Much love to you.
Awww, getting a little teary reading your sweet comments, Hildegaard. I really do think that making this post turned out to be a bit of a catharsis for me. I had a bout on the night after I posted it, and I had a super fun time for the first time all season. Thanks for reading, and love right back at you!
I completely understand ; )
Thanks, Olympia! Best wishes to you as you work through it. 🙂
Amen, sister!
Thanks for reading, Teqkillya!
I struggle too because I want to be accepted, I want to be who I am but it’s so hard between my mental illness and being a transgender skater. I’m a bit full on because I’m strongly extroverted and it struggles. But reading this I smiled and found despite hating the context “give it time”, I hate that context.
Ms. Megahurtz, thanks so much for reading and it warms my heart that my post made you smile. I sincerely hope that your struggles become easier. Know that you have a derby friend cheering you on from afar!
As someone who is new to roller derby as a participant. I have been following you and reading all of your posts. I applaud you for opening up your life and soul to the world. Your writing is a reflection of you are. We are all much more than any one activity and we are all really alone. People do care, but, they only care about the parts of our lives that we can share. Every day we wake up we choose the path we will take. I have an app installed on my phone that alerts me in the morning with the following task,”Plan for the day.” It’s a default task and I have left it that way. I never do what it says. It reminds me that my day isn’t planned. I have a choice even has the day begins to make a new plan. I already have things that I scheduled to do. But, I can change any of them if I want. There may be consequences that I can choose to accept. I choose. I am in control. I alone bear the responsibility for my life. I am the only one that needs to care. I am on this journey with the others I choose to allow into my life. With them I share my life. I choose to care about them and the parts of them they share with me. Today I choose to allow roller derby to be a positive in my life. I choose to be a participant and not a spectator. I choose to push myself physically, mentally and emotionally in ways that have helped me grow as a person. 10 years ago I was training for marathons. I may do derby until I die or I may not. The only person it truly matters to is me. The only other person on this planet that I am accountable to or have responsibility for is my son. When he becomes an adult I need to be able to say that I was the best Dad I could possibly be. Everyone else has chosen to be in my life. I have chosen you and to the extent that you have shared your life with me I Care. Thank you. This N00b appreciates how you words have touched his life positively.
Hey, Phyl, thanks so much for reading all my posts and I’m super glad that you’ve been able to take so much away from it. I completely agree with what you’re saying about choosing how things are going to affect you in life, including how derby is going to affect you. That principle has strongly guided much of my derby career, but this year I struggled with being in control of that, which made me feel a bit lost. In any case, getting it out there has helped so far. I am sincerely happy that Call the Jam has been a positive influence on you. Skate on, brother!
I love your posts, as you know. This really hits home. I have wanted to walk away, at least a dozen times this year. My reasons for wanting to do so varies. However, the constant thought of no one would care if I left was depressing. I’ve struggled with so many things over the last year and the solace I once got from derby, didn’t seem to be there any more. I also didn’t think I really had anyone to talk to, because no one would care.
I’m happy I came out of my funk and can’t wait to be just a skater next season.
Derby hasn’t saved my soul. In some small way, it has saved my sanity.
Awwww, LOVE YOU, PHILLY! Know that I care whatever you’re going through. Glad you’re excited to skate! The awesome thing about derby is that if you find you’re motivation and joy again, it’s always there for you. Onward to next season!
I’ve been a newbie for 11 months now. I didn’t know how to stand on skates 11 months ago, so in comparison to myself then, I’ve made major progress. In comparison to the other newbies who started after me and are now roster ready, I’ve been quite discouraged lately.
Your blog post “Practice” has been the thing that kept me going back for more. So keep writing when you’re ready and we’ll keep reading right along. And you should drive to the ocean. No seriously, just get in your car and do it. There’s nothing salt water can’t fix.
Audrey, you sound like a gal after my own heart! I hope to make it to a salty sea soon. And, it does always help to think back over time and remember what you couldn’t do a year ago or a couple of months ago or even a week ago. Don’t get too down — you’ll make your goals if you keep trying. Thanks so much for reading, and for your continued support. Derby love to you!
I’ve been thinking about this for a long while, and I’m torn. Personally, derby helped me through a very dark time by giving me a space where I allowed myself to fail, and where I allowed people to care about me. None of that is automatic, though, and time after time I’ve seen people not be able to find it. I think the emphasis that is put on the personal change some of us find through derby makes it harder for those who don’t have that kind of experience.
I’m also coming to the point where the meaning of my participation in derby is changing… I’m a veteran skater at this point, responsible for several things in the league, and I’m far less forgiving of my own failings. This doesn’t mean that I enjoy derby less, just that it has a different effect on my life.
I’m not quite sure what that effect is, but I do know that I’ve stopped having to scratch and dig for every bit of improvement, but that I still do out of habit. My playoff prep has had me at the practice space more mornings than not, and combined with work stress and other things going on in my life… I’m exhausted.
I guess what I’m saying is that derby did save my soul, but it can’t keep it saved, I have to find ways to do that myself. I’ll just keep doing derby for derby’s sake, and because I love the physicality of it.
Every single thing you’re saying here, Tear o’Bite, sounds familiar to me. I love this line: “I think the emphasis that is put on the personal change some of us find through derby makes it harder for those who don’t have that kind of experience.” Obviously, I also relate to your feeling of exhaustion — I think that’s part of what I was trying to convey in my post. Derby meant so much to me for so many years, but I suddenly found myself at a point that I needed to find another way of thinking and relating to it and to life and general to carry me forward. I’m still figuring that out. Best of luck to you on your journey. Thanks for reading and so thoughtfully commenting here.
Thanks for having the balls to share! I struggle having been part of a team for 4 years and not been picked to bout is pretty sole destroying and 100% attendance took its toll on family life. I’m not a bad skater I know that but feel overlooked. I’m an all rounder and the player that seems to be in the right place at the right time and I push myself each practice … We dont have an off season twice a week all the time. I have defiantly felt the way you have and came close to walking out a few months ago. But I’m not ready to cut my apron strings yet. There arent any magic words for this feeling to go it’s our mental fight!
Thanks for sharing, Em. I’m sorry to hear that it’s been a rough go of it for you! I hope that despite your struggles, you’ve found some joy and fun in derby. I can’t imagine that someone who had 100% attendance wasn’t getting something out of it! If nothing else, a great workout and improved fitness! There ARE no magic words. We just have to keep on keepin’ on. I wish you the best in reaching your goals. Derby love xo
Thank you for posting. I’m newly graduated in derby, just passed skills and transferred from another state. I’m struggling with everything and wondering if this is where I need to be and why I haven’t felt the epiphany of my other rookie teammates.
At this point I feel too invested to stop and haven’t given it enough yet to quit. I thought there might be something wrong with me or I just needed to realize that if I was having these feelings, maybe derby isn’t for me.
After reading a couple of blog posts I feel more encouraged to drive on and try to work through this funk.
You’re not alone.
Thanks so much for reading! I’m glad you find encouragement here. Please just try to push through it and see how you feel some months down the line. It may not be for you, but give it a little more of a shot before deciding. Best to you!
This is a needed perspective to share. Derby burnout is real, as is burnout with so many things we feel passionate about in life. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading! We throw some much of ourselves into derby, it’s impossible not to feel wrung out at some point. Fortunately, I got through this and back to a place where derby was a positive force in my life again, instead of a draining one.
I’ve been struggling with this for such a long time. I have no one to talk to because I feel that no one would care. I’ve been skating for 4.5 years. I’m currently president of my league and love them. But, I feel useless. I just go to practice but feel separated. I don’t have the connection. I don’t want to compete anymore. I feel over it all. I just want to skate, sell derby stuff and promote the sports for everyone else. I’m just done. I don’t know how to leave…
Thanks for putting my thoughts and actions into words.
I’m glad you could at least read this and feel like you’re not alone, Ratty. I didn’t end up leaving derby. I transferred, in fact, but I haven’t written that post yet. Sometimes I think we expect too much of derby — we expect it to fix everything, be the end all be all of existence. It’s a tool to fix some things for a lot of people, I think, myself included. But it isn’t for everything all the time. I think I’ve come to a better place with it. I hope you can find some peace with derby or without. Good luck and keep in touch! Thanks for reading.
I feel the same way, I retired from roller derby last month, and turned in all reins as the Ex Director yesterday, and I feel just as bad as I did before. My experience with derby has been difficult, but I loved the sport and fought to be a part of it. I clawed my way in and up, and I too felt separated and disconnected. I worked so hard on the administrative end, with little to no appreciation, and made all the practices, promotional events, and just stuff to keep the league going, that I just threw in the towel. I thought, let me exit on top, Michale Jordan it all the way…it’s all new and I feel lost but I know it will get better with time. Wish you the best and know you are not alone. 🙂 -Willa Shankspear
This really helped me today made me cry but it helped!
Thanks for reading! Glad I could help. Crying sucks, but sometimes it does make you feel better afterward. 🙂
I am a derby husband in the Army, soon to be divorced. It’s all my wife’s doing really. I feel like she has gone through something similar to what you have described with the team near my duty station. So instead of taking a break or focusing on other things, she ran off to the Florida team and hasn’t really given me a reason why. I actually enjoyed roller derby and I completely supported her in whatever choice she made, except when she left me after my fourth deployment to become sponsored by someone in Florida and go pro. I know she really wants to take Roller Derby all the way until her grave, but it’s just not possible with her medical conditions and job. The politics were ridiculous too; people taking control of practice when they weren’t running it, girls talking behind each others backs… some of the girls having affairs with my fellow soldiers’ wives and husbands. Once my wife left, I finally saw the darker side of roller derby… and now I’ll never support it again. Back in Hawaii, it was so enjoyable and relaxing and now, it’s just worthless social media fodder to get attention for wearing skimpy outrageous clothing.
Don’t think I’m trying to push blame for my marriage failing off on roller derby, my wife told me ALOT of things that were discouraging and down right nasty that the girls did to each other on a regular basis over the past few years. Even now, some of these girls know about our marital situation and they’re asking me out/trying to hook up before I’m even divorced – Sister-hood, eh? I’m done supporting this sport, it’s just like you described it, just a rite of passage to a better life. Hopefully my (ex)wife will figure this out before she completely trashes her job for temporary fame.
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I’m sorry you had a negative experience with roller derby in the end. And I’m sorry you are going through the dissolution of a relationship — that shit is hard. That said, I wouldn’t draw conclusions about the sport at large based on the situation in one area, with one league. The two leagues I’ve been involved with and many I’ve been exposed to in seven years of derby are nothing like you describe. I also don’t agree with this statement: “Now, it’s just worthless social media fodder to get attention for wearing skimpy outrageous clothing.” If people wear skimpy clothing, I don’t judge them for it because that’s not the type of life philosophy I embrace — whatever someone wants to wear that makes them feel good about themselves in the world, I support it. As for myself, I wear athletic clothing to play roller derby, as do the majority of people I encounter in the sport, so I also don’t think this applies to derby at large. But, either way, what other people wear doesn’t hurt me in any way. It’s too bad you had a negative experience – some communities can just be toxic and dysfunctional for a variety of reasons, and it makes sense to get out of them and move on. It’s also easy to draw conclusions about something based on a direct negative experience. But roller derby has been a largely positive experience for many women and many people, myself included. I’m still playing. It’s one of the most important and supportive communities in my life. I sincerely hope things get better for you, regardless of your opinions about derby.
No worries, those are my opinions and that’s how I saw roller derby after the fact. I realize that this isn’t the imagine of the entire derby community, however, it’s enough to make me despise it. Only takes one bad experience to “persuade, influence and change” the mind. I thought it was a family sport until I started to see more girls wearing lingerie to bouts and I already covered the immoral/infidelity highlight which occurred after just about every derby event. Had a rough time trying explain that to my niece and parents who showed up just to support my wife.
Thank you so much for this
Thank you for reading, Janie!
I come back to this post all the time when I’m looking to clear my head about derby. Thanks for writing it. It’s nice to have perspective.
I’m so glad to hear it! Thank you for reading, truly. I need to go back to this at times myself.
Yes. This year has been strange. The league I started with 3 years ago imploded this year, because we couldn’t keep numbers up, so we all dispersed and joined new leagues. I… signed up with the next closest league out of convenience, but it’s also the league my previous league had a beef with… drama….. its still weird AT and lately… I just don’t care anymore.
I transferred to another league in my town about three years ago. It hasn’t been without its ups and downs. I hope you can find some joy still!