I may be the oldest maid in derbydom. Yeah, the whole derby wife thing just passed me by, and now I’ve been skating for two and a half years as a single lady. If you know me in “real” life this may not be a surprise. Not just because I’m flying solo these days. My historical ambivalence about actual marriage is well known among family and friends. I also tend to make friends slowly, keeping people at a skeptical distance for awhile. However, once I consider you a friend, I will probably keep you forever. I’m not a joiner, I don’t quickly adopt traditions I don’t understand, I’m cautious in forming alliances. So I didn’t really get the derby wife thing. It’s supposed to be someone who has your back, who will collect your gear when you get carried out of practice on a stretcher? Well, how the hell would I have known who to pick for that when I was still learning to skate? Is it supposed to be someone who will be your best friend in derby? Who will buy you knee socks at Christmas? Who will get on your ass if you’re skipping out on practice?
When you first join derby and don’t know anyone, the risks of making a bad match are high. Maybe you awkwardly accepted a proposal from someone just to fit in. Or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe your wife didn’t end up finishing boot camp. Maybe she left derby and returned to find you shacked up with another woman. Maybe a couple months after you got hitched, someone joined the league who you clicked with much better than the skater who randomly sat next to you while gearing up on the first day. Hence the divorces, annulments, separations, polygamy and polyamory that characterize the derby wife tradition.
I predict that some of the folks in happy derby marriages will dismiss my observations as the ramblings of a bitter old derby maid who can’t get a date. But my point isn’t to make an argument against this cultural rite of passage, though I sometimes feel vaguely embarrassed when asked who my derby wife is, as if it somehow reflects negatively on me that I don’t have one. No one chose me. But I’ve found I don’t need it to succeed in derby. I have friends on my league. I’ve been proposed to, I’ve been something of a derby mistress. I’m pretty sure someone will grab my things when I get carried out on a stretcher.
Ha! Vivi, I will carry your gear out if you get injured (which you won’t).
It’s weird how it works. I thought Bunnie was a bit nuts at first. Actually, she wrote this and put it on our website, and it’s pretty accurate:
Bunnie- “OH MY GOD GIRL WTF!”
Beattie- “ …omg, girl…wtf…”
Bunnie- “ I was skatin around all cool being super awesome at roller derby and I saw this chick I kinda recognized from bein’ in this band I saw one time… I was all, “OH MY GOD GIRL WTF!” and she was all sweet and shy…”
Beattie-“I went to see a practice and this crazy girl accosted me, but I later found out it was Bunnie.”
And the rest is basically history; you can see where this love story is going.
And she broke her leg at practice. We were all there for her, as we all would have been for each other- The league was also REALLY small back then.
But really, I don’t think it really matters. I think the thing that really matters is finding really great friendships within your team. And you might just find one that’s so close- that person might understand what you’re thinking at any given time, and you get along super off the track.
I never had one “best friend” growing up, so it didn’t surprise me when I didn’t find a husband (I hate that term) when I joined roller derby.
However, two months ago I found out that the Team packs your gear up when you break your leg and are carried out on a stretcher. The Team follows you to the hospital and stays for hours in the ER. The Team takes you to bouts when you can’t drive. The Team is there when the days are…not so good.
Derby spouse or not, I love my Team.
I think it IS much better to rely on THE TEAM aspect than any one person. The Derby Wife (or Husband) thing is so…complicated.
I agree that you have to rely on your team. I know mine would help, they’ve offered several times when I was sick or injured.
However, I also have a derby wife, 2 actually…and a mistress hah!, and she’s the best. I can’t imagine not having her! I’ve only had her a short while, 5 months, but she’s taken care of me when I was sick, laughed at my stupid jokes, cheered me up when I’ve been sad, and just last week she really saved me. I got injured in practice, pulled a leg muscle, and when I got home I sat down and Literally couldn’t get up. She came over, got me ice, meds, crutches, and took me to the doctor the next day.
I’m not saying Vivi run out and get a wife!, I’m just saying they are wonderful, so if the opportunity ever arises and you think it’s right, go for it! 🙂
I took a derby wife when I was still in my first year of derby. I’d just come back from injury, and I discovered this wonderful individual. We started talking on Facebook and hung out at the bout (she sang the anthem) and the afterparty. This lady had been around (she’s now in her 6th year of derby), but was un-married. We nonchalantly mentioned our single derby status and sort of recklessly married each other at the afterparty.
We just celebrated a year of derby marriage and couldn’t be happier. Devlin Syder is the yin to my yang. We work well together, but when we play each other, we’re all over the other. We ride to away games and afterparties together. We room together in hotels and plan fabulous adventures. We get lost because of the stupid gps and laugh about it. She takes all my shittalking and turns it into positivity.
I will always know that Devlin will be there for me and I her. I respect you not having a wife, but I think mine is super awesome. Maybe there’s a wife or a mistress for you one day.